Damselindistress

So Sweet

2006-12-15T11:06:00.000-06:00

Quickly dash and turn off the light
kiss my eyes, be off to bed
sunrise
sunset
it all begins again
with quiet thoughts
and thoughtless breath
automatic
robotic
Sip of tea before leaving
remote messages over
cell phones
random love messages
across the plains
through time changes
sunrise
sunset
and it all begins again

4 years on Remembrance Day

2006-11-15T14:05:00.000-06:00

with his breath
i move
and move
towards him
in a sweeping motion
across the floor
so quick
and for all time

and with a look
i am cemented in place
and feverish
and content
and sure
of the choice I made

with a touch
i see our childrens eyes
in you
and sudder at the
thought of all time
for now
for long

and with a word
i am his alone
and see the mountains
we've conquered
and see the horizon
of what's to come
and I know
I know

Stepping on toes

2006-10-23T14:49:00.000-05:00

this time i
went too far in touching him
laughing at his jokes
and inviting him over

my watchdog
keeping silent
in fear of being caught jealous
even though he had every right

i was only joking
for the most part
finding it hard
to only be desired by one

sometimes it's hard to be
the only one
for him
and him the only one for me

looking for approval
and compliments from
more than just one
not meaning to go so far

nothing would happen
but i pushed the envelope
again
and left them fuming

and me in an awkward state
leaving his back door
and his embrace
with my husband in the truck waiting

thinking that i was justified
lending mine out for a friends company
when she needed me instead
i thought i had the right

fulfilling the need to be
the "cool" wife
thought i'd take what i wanted
even when it wasn't mine to take

and tried to have my cake and
fill myself full
and i only ended up sick
and with this sinking feeling

For Danny

2006-09-25T09:34:00.000-05:00

i am holding on tight
crisp breeze in my face
wheels spinning fast
stirring the earth
under four tires
and i can’t think of
anywhere i’d rather be

then riding with you
amongst the trees and the wind
finding secret places
and stillness
where creeks unravel
like garter snakes
along the road
leading to

crackling fires
and muddy faces
the laughter that rings
cemented memories
and the light that shines
upon us
if you only knew

how much i love it
how it eases my heart
and fills my lungs
with the best air
i’ve had
in so long
and i feel like new
and yours again
for all time

Baby this night's for us...

2006-07-12T09:15:00.000-05:00

that night i held tight to your arm
and asked you to come with me
that there was room on the way back
i couldn't look into your eyes
i felt guilty for wanting more
and your deep pools
felt so threatening

my breath got short mid-sentence
and i found it hard to
get the words out
feeling so inadequate
and so unattractive in comparison
i felt sick and thrilled at the
same time

your voice poured out of your
mouth like cream
and i couldn't help but
want those lips on mine
I "aint been sexin' kitten"
but I would right about now

the guilt seems unbearable
that your voice won't quit my mind
and that touch seems so far gone now
but I am not sure I would
go so far again

i liked you better untouchable
and far away
with your confidence and perfection
on stage
and not imperfect
like you were that night

too bad nothing ignited
but i have so much happiness
at home
that my disappointment
will be over run with joy
when i return tonight

What now?

2006-06-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

the liquid moonlight
draped across your face
and you are repeating
and repeating
and I am tossing
and turning
trying to harness
and stop the avalanche

So Lost

2006-05-18T10:28:00.000-05:00

it is night
and far from
when
I saw it all
like I did
in that light
hear their
laughter
ringing
and ring loud
feel the fever
burning
and burn hot
it did

it is night
and I can’t see
the way I could
lose all of that
and those
feelings
in me are
so buried now
but slightly glimmering
beyond the soil

a song, a smell
returns it all
a voice, a call
a thought, a look
and I think back
to the way
before the birth
of my new life
back when I was
damaged
lost
and fun

Negstive HCG

2006-05-09T11:01:00.000-05:00

The dark place
that my emptiness brings me
shadows that surround
the shade and gloom
organs fail
as do my moods
and hopes fade
with malfunction
empty and
sad
the happy façade
put on for all
comes crashing down
like tyndall stone
the absence
envelops
and covers
like a heavy blanket
and the thunder
with pangs
of lightning
echo
my sentiment
to a tee

Lost so many friends, made so many memories

2006-04-25T10:03:00.000-05:00

Someone mentioned you
and I smiled at your name
and cringed
at the thought
1 year not speaking
1 year of nothing
but empty space
and i keep thinking
i could just call you
and we could pull-start
our friendship
and burn the carbon off
and begin again

but then i think that
you are still with him
and i can't bear to see
your life stalled
and to see what
you have given up to
be by his side
what you have sacrificed
and how you have changed
since that day in September
and that appointment
changed all of us
so permanent

summer's coming
and i don't know
how i can get through
another one without
your sunshine
and that light
that surrounds you

i want to go back
but i don't know how

Too much

2006-04-18T13:51:00.000-05:00

You in your winter coat
And me in my frown
Turned and
Spinning beyond recognition
Arms reaching out
For a grasp at anything stable
And standing still

Ice clouds and paintings
On car windows
Where hand prints
Drip mercifully on curves
And hollows of us
Bent and lying twisted
Seeking something
Immediate

Never lasting
Never meaningful
But overpowering
And encompassing
Sweet and sour
Co-dependent to the
Nth degree

Scraps and photos
Sticking sweetly to
My memories
So grandiose
And over exaggerated
The truth has two
Definitions

The Friendship

2006-04-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

pooled
and surrounded
and consumed by it
so much
that it enrages
and cages
and
takes me over
and covers me
like a blanket

Deal

2006-02-27T14:08:00.000-06:00

Riffling pockets
Rapid scrolling text messages
Quick glances at email
Searching subject lines
For something incriminating

He has overstepped and
Strayed and betrayed and
Returned broken
And you want to keep
Him that way

Your “bad memories”
Keep him in line
But you didn’t know
About the daily emails
Innocent by our standards
But not by yours

I gave him up
And let him leave
Being unselfish
After so much selfishness
On one condition

I needed him in my life
In one way or another
My life would pour empty
Without him so I would take
His friendship as a token

I sowed the seeds of our friendship
In sandy soil
So many times neglected
But beautiful all the same

So I’d prefer you in the background
A constant reminder of my mistake
But I’d rather you not rifle his pockets
And reply to his text messages
Pretending to be him

Let me retain our friendship
Because I gave up
And quit and stopped flirting
And stopped showing up
Ready and willing with a smile

I gave up and encouraged him to go home

Eastdale Rd.

2005-12-29T15:14:00.000-06:00

Torn apart
She cowers and crouches
His fists flying furious
And she screams for the
Kids to leave the room

Pushed to the furthest point
Gnawing anger
Biting and nipping
His blurred vision
Will take him
And drag him
Over the edge

She’s lying peaceful
In an old favorite
Pair of jeans
Laced in her blood
Arms outstretched

Panic coursing like
Never before
Running out of options
Running out of ways out
He grabs the rifle by the door

Children screaming
Cops in the driveway
She’s lying quiet
He’s in the yard
More than over the edge,
Gone too far
And too far gone

The Curse

2005-12-01T13:09:00.000-06:00

You say the blame
is not on me
but by that
i feel you are taking
our experience
piece by piece
from me
till there is nothing left
to remember you by
Demeaned
Memories that were mine
as keepsakes
are now tarnished
and i am made to feel
like they never existed
That what we felt
never existed
Starving them all to nothing
You say she’s uncomfortable
with our friendship and her bad memories
but it’s the healthiest one yet
I want to remember
I want you here
for me
in theory only
a borrowed friendship
occasional
inconsistent
what could be the harm in that?

Moxie

2005-08-18T15:19:00.000-05:00

I’m here
studying your face
tracing your outline
in sugar
and trying to string some
words together
on your behalf
sliding them down

although
forced and biting
I’ll no longer
admit my defeat
i won’t give you those words
you can see it in my face

comfort so scattered
in my calendar
I’m surprised by it
every time
and feel so needy
and starved
I’m pawing and
scratching at you
when I receive it

this fake white picket fence
seems sometimes
to be falling down
leave me to hold it
up for us both

Protecting Identity

2005-07-29T10:46:00.000-05:00

Careful touches
So we don’t break
Fevers burning
Sheets twisting
Toes curled
And I’ve decided
I’m never going home

Cautious sessions
In darkened doorways
Parked cars
In farmers fields
Parking lots
And always home
Before the sun came up

Mother you
Cover you
Hold me
Kiss me
Kiss and don’t tell
It’s all secrets
And lies
It’s all touches
And
Twisting
Sessions

Finish up
And save it up
I’ll see you next weekend
At the Charley
I’ll be the girl
With the wink
And the smile

Toes Curled

2005-07-15T16:30:00.000-05:00

twist me up and ring me out
like you did that night
beneath those stars
i’m convinced
you are nonchalant
and my toes are curled
at the sight of you

your girlfriend came up
to me at that social
that night
eager for a fight
then later intoxicated
enough
to open her mouth,
spill that she was always
jealous of me
our friendship
and the way we are
together
and
i couldn’t bring myself
to tell her
she had every right to be

that early early dawn i returned
dropped off by another
i found you curled up
in my car and i was so afraid
you’d be jealous
at least i hoped you
would
or be fuming
or be anything
but neutral
or numb

i never wanted a definition
of our relationship
everyone else
was so eager
i don’t feel
i ever got a fair
chance
you bit me off
piece by piece
tried to save me for later
but i wouldn’t keep
and i wouldn’t stay
so disenchanted
so naïve

Transparent

2005-06-30T14:13:00.000-05:00

shoved aside
and expected to
move
as if they knew
my politeness would prevail
and my
self-consciousness
would come
out
for all to see

what would it take
to make them
open their eyes
and notice
that i was here all
along

i have earned
but never received
your respect
i have battled
and lost lots
suffered great
and still standing

and you are still
shoving past me
with no regard
or respect

is my beauty
non-existent
not up to par
that i don’t
measure up
and not
worthwhile

i wonder what it would
take for a simple
nice gesture

swamped

2005-06-21T16:07:00.000-05:00

drained
to the point of
exhaustion
counting pennies
and hoping
the power
will stay on tonight

clutching our
lifeboat
crashing upon waves
amazed at how
we are still afloat

broke
in every sense of the
word
on cash, and promises
and favors

tearing at the root
of our foundation
of our relationship
and i hope
we can get over this
someday

Fierce Friendship

2005-06-21T15:41:00.000-05:00

our fierce friendship
ignited rapidly,
and more powerful
than i had thought
i felt ever
before

binge hangouts
constant turmoil
with him
but not with us
recurring cries on
my shoulder
bleeding heart
crying wolf

you left at 10
august 7th
left my side
as if you had
done your duty
and left with him
and his tempered lies
once again

recalling the day
that guy you knew
hit you
repeatedly,
in the face, and i cried
and worried
and told my mom

you dropped all charges
and lied in court
for all the wrong reasons
and you stumbled and
stepped off
that pedestal
i put you on

consenting to his
intimidation
you went to that clinic
and i watched our friendship
die that day
and i couldn’t believe
it would end like this

it’s been months since
we have spoken
it’s too hard to
keep this friendship
together
i loved you too much
too see you change
from that to this

Grandma

2005-06-07T13:01:00.000-05:00

Grandma

you are ready
but I am not ready
to let you go

your spark burned so bright
but now a bare flicker
intensity fading

you are ready
but I can’t imagine
my life without you

a mirror reflection
but I could only hope
to emulate you

you are ready
a life so long
but time together so brief

I’m angry that I can’t ask
for anymore time
together

you are ready
but we could never be
not for a million years

heartbreak, struggles
and sickness, you overcame
to replace it all with love and joy

you are ready
but you could never imagine
the mark you have left

humor and sarcasm
charming us all
and always left us always smiling

Belvedere Park

2005-05-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

Your rain glistened face
Reflects the stars that light the dark
Clouds form around your mouth
Through Belvedere Park

Our hands laced and crisscrossed
Too careful on stepping-stones
Viscous words not slipping out
With this cold chilling our bones

Minds flicker flashing thoughts
Soak up the company of one another
Meandering through paper trails
Stifling silence we seek to smother

Is it enough, times so brief?
Is it enough, have we changed?
Is it enough, to keep us like this?
Is it enough, to float us over?

The light around your face
I can see what I will miss
Your grip on my fingers
So severe I feel this bliss

Kissing your neck feels warm
Frosty touches our last chance
Rain falls haphazardly around us
Plinking symphony in a trance

Good night my love but for now
May sleep come easy when it’s dark
2 Weeks till your return
Another rendezvous in Belvedere Park

The Ex

2005-05-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

Figures I’d find you here tonight
Parked outside
Head in your hands
Till I pass by

That feeling between my toes
Has now reached my stomach
And I don’t see this going
Anywhere good

Pull at me, push me,
I’m so beyond this
I’m numb
I’m smarter than you are

You’re gripping the wheel like
It was my neck
And I keep walking
I’m not stopping

I’m sure I’ll see you driving
Past my house
Later anyways
As always

It’s too bad
it turned out this
way
I may accept some blame
But now

I’m so beyond this

Adonis

2005-05-19T16:11:00.000-05:00

So sudden and quick
Like a hurricane
You were blown in
And out of my life
In such a brief span
Extreme and exuberant
Passion so motivated
By music
I didn’t have time to
Breathe
That beauty that surrounded
you while on stage
left me stunned
and an unwilling groupie
It seemed I couldn’t think
Of anything else
All excuses were for you
You made me scared
But it turned me on
And I think your words
Undressed me faster
Than your fingers ever could
But as fast as I was in your arms
This was quicker to end
I was excited to
Feel this way again.

The Change

2005-05-19T16:06:00.000-05:00

I can’t believe you are so far away
Feels just like I saw you today
I can’t believe how far you’ve strayed
When I left you in the same shape as me

When I see you next will you hold me tight
And tell me to shut off the light
So I can hear you breathe and feel alright
And believe everything will be ok again

But I don’t think it will end like this
My stories never end in bliss
Or a movie star fashion kiss
I’m so used to walking home alone

You are too much like a stranger to me
Where we went wrong, it’s hard to see
After the fire we are only left with debris
And I am left cleaning up the mess

I don’t think things will ever change
Our friendship was one we had to rearrange
Everything was perfect but now it’s all strange
And I wish things were like they used to be

Never Had

2005-05-11T16:04:00.000-05:00

You brutalize my confidence
while I am sinking into the floor
creepy crawling past so you won’t see
underneath you sly comments
but meanwhile always
perched at the corners of your eye
While I’ve seen you naked,
I’ve seen you much clearly now
pro’s, con’s and all that stuff
maybe it wasn’t so cool
as I wanted it to be
or maybe I came up a bit short
I thought it could be so much more
I keep slipping past you all day long
trying to avoid awkward situations
or your loud voice booming,
trying to be one of the boys
when you aren’t fooling me at all
You make me want to jump
up and down to make you notice me
the way you did that night
I almost fell apart it was amazing
You are much younger and maybe
I can chalk it up to that
feel better
and less rejected
and not so cheated out of
something I never had

In love and in Whistler

2005-05-11T15:01:00.000-05:00

1 year ago today
we were in love and in Whistler
and at that moment
I truly understood the
meaning of perfection
Even though my whole
existence
Changed so dramatically
1 year ago today
we were in love and in Whistler
my how some things change
Some of the words you spoke to me
altered my whole life
and my whole vision of you
1 year ago
we were in love and in Whistler
and I never would have thought
we’d end up here
I think I lost my love in it’s woods
and my friendship in it’s ocean
and all my trust up on that mountain
We’d have to go back there to ever
get it back again

Wednesday Night Car Ride

2005-05-11T14:54:00.000-05:00

You are looking at me
Anticipating my thoughts
As if to catch them

You are there beside me
Afraid to touch me
and terrified to be nice

You are there but looking away
wishing you were somewhere else
far from here

You are kissing my face
fumbling with buttons
and pretending it’s not me

You are there whispering to me
in a cruel tone, dirty words
and I felt cemented in place

You are there holding me
and for a split second
it feels nice and un-fabricated

You are there but not really
and maybe I wish things were better
and far from this

Chilliwack

2005-05-10T13:52:00.000-05:00

Itchy hotel sheets
Twisting around my legs
Twinkling lights from the town
Lighting up this hotel room
I’m already in bed
It’s a quarter past 7
And tonight all alone
On our “holiday”
My only company is the CBC on
this small tv
You told me only a couple hours
of work and you’d be back
in time for a nice dinner
but the pizza guy has been long gone

I should have stayed in Whistler
Or better yet stayed away from you
I’m going to come clean and say
I didn’t know what I was getting into
I thought I was in love
But I was wrong about so many things

We’ll it’s 10 o’clock and I hear
The car key slip into the slot
I pretend to sleep
My silent guilt trip is lost on you
It’s our last night here
And I am suddenly awakened
And understanding the advice given to me
That I ignored all along

I should have stayed in Whistler
Or better yet stayed away from you
I’m going to come clean and say
I didn’t know what I was getting into
I thought I was in love
But I was wrong about so many things

Sweet Dreams

2005-05-10T08:16:00.000-05:00

Sweet surrender
like into a dream
liquid vivid memories
flooding me
so intense
like it never went away
like i was never far
like this
tongue sailing over
my lips
quick breathing
soothing words
but so distant
words that lie sweetly
in my ears
almost incoherant
and with suddering
avoidance
but i am so enraptured
how could i dare complain
terrified of the hold on me
my feet betray me
and slide backwards
forwards
unsure of my emotions
and power of my self-control
when all i want
is the the intimacy
that he and i built
so long ago
it almost doesn't feel
real

Sharing is nice

2005-05-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

this is a new blog as a means to get out there a large selection of my poetry both new and old
please feel free to comment and etc. many of these poems have never seen the light of day (or been out of the bottom of my closet in a large rubbermaid container filled with tokens from my past lives)

enjoy......

M.